My New Yorker Cartoon Life

Sometimes, I wake up and I think, “How did I get here?” It still amazes me that this is how my life has unfolded. If you had asked me as a new college graduate, almost 25 years ago, “Lisa, what are your life goals?” my response would have been, “To raise a successful family.”

So, I guess my overall goal hasn’t changed, but my mental picture of how it would all unfold was not at all what reality presented. I suppose the young idealistic me saw the family, the loving couple, the home, the smart, happy, beautiful children, the ability to do volunteer work, and spend my time making the world a better place, and being the best wife and mother I could possibly ever be.

When I actually write it all down, the only thing that has truly changed is the loving couple part. I was asked a couple of times in the last week for some advise or encouraging words about being on the other side of divorce. I guess this is my response. Am I happy? YES! Am I glad that I am a single mother? NO! Is it (ever) easy? HELL NO! Is it different from being married? YES!

How is my life now different? Well, it is much less stressful in a lot of ways. My ex-husband still manages to do things that make me react with stress, but on the whole, it is les stressful than it was the last couple of years of our marriage. A lot of my married life was good, but I have realized that the things that are really important to me haven’t changed.

What else has changed? Well, I am currently working two jobs. The third job mercifully ended because I am dealing with at least two major chronic illnesses, and three jobs was not smart, except from a financial standpoint. My health suffered, and my family suffered. I am working, however, on developing a writing career, so I am working another job, but it is different.

The other thing that causes stress that was not a source of stress before is time management. Since I am doing the two jobs, the career development, the health management job (huge task) and I am not driving at all any more (health again) the logistics of how to fit it all in, and have the time and energy for my most important job of being a good mother, I find that I am always juggling, and stamping out fires.

It is quite a visual. I can practically see a New Yorker cartoon of me… A petite middle-aged woman, Juggling two teenagers, two younger children, talking on the phone booking a client, with papers strewn about working on a lesson plan, and “fires” like house repairs, court appearances, scholarship applications, planning a bar mitzvah, etc. are flaring around my feet. The tiny petite figure has a flurry of activity where her legs should be, trying to deal with the fires. I’m actually laughing as I write my cartoon with words. It is comical, but it is real. And, then there is the whole health thing…

A friend recently told me I was the graceful duck, gliding across the water, but underneath the surface, my feet were going a million miles a minute to keep me afloat. YES.

I am afraid that this is coming across as pathetic, but that is not at all how I see my life. I am happy. I love my life. I have learned that I am one of the strongest people I know. I have learned to ask for help. Some. I have learned that most of what I envisioned as a new college graduate is still the same. I am still raising a family, four happy, smart, beautiful children. I am a good mother, even though I wish I could dedicate more of my time to just being supermom. I still live in a beautiful home. I still do volunteer work. I still have the same goal of making the world a better place.

The happy loving couple part will have to wait. I can’t see how to draw that into my cartoon. Yet.

Release

I have had the opportunity recently to practice what I preach, so to speak. I am always suggesting to my children to try to understand another person's point of view, and to also know that you don't ever know a person's back story. You don't know what has happened in a person's experience to shape them as a person, or even to influence their actions at a certain point in time.

Yesterday, I was the recipient of a venomous attack by a very close relative. It was intended to be hurtful, and it was. I won't say that it came out of nowhere, because it seemed like it almost always smolders under the surface of his dealings with me. I know that I did not deserve to be attacked like I was, but it still was very hurtful. My initial reaction was shock, then hurt, then anger, then came sadness. I am happy to say that there was no guilty feeling, which is a big improvement from the way I have perceived things in the past.

I walked around feeling so angry for a large part of the day. Anger always leaves me feeling a little bewildered. I do question myself (without guilt) honestly to see if I did anything leading up to this attack which warranted it. Actually, nothing warrants this sort of behavior, but not everyone feels that way. I was cogitating on how to respond, or if to respond. Finally, I decided to respond.

My response was very much from the heart. I explained my perspective, calmly and rationally. I also explained that the only really important thing to me was to spend time with people I love, and those people included the attacker and his family. I also said that I didn't really understand where his anger was coming from, but that I didn't deserve to bear the brunt of it. I know he must be very angry, or hurt, or frightened, or jealous about something, or there is something going on in his life that I don't know about or understand that might cause him to act in such a way. I also know that I can't change what he perceives. I do know though, that I can change how I react.

So, I chose to react and respond honestly and as gracefully as possible. I am sure it won't change his actions, but hopefully he can come to understand that there is no intention of malice on my part. I felt so much better after my response. My anger fizzled into nothing. I am not feeling hurt, because I have chosen not to take his attack personally. I am still sad that he has chosen to remove himself and his family from a gathering we had planned, and maybe from my life entirely for right now, but I also know that I will enjoy the family who does participate in the gathering. The release of my anger and hurt, and the change in my perspective--the view from where I sit, is what makes the difference.

No one can control the actions of another, but we can all control, albeit with some practice, how we react. So, here's to healthy perspectives on family (and other) relationships.