Feeling the Love

Today I did nothing in particular, which was very special. It was a whole day and evening, with hardly any specific plans. I, in fact, really tried hard to keep today more simple than most of the rest of my days. Having an unscheduled day was my gift to myself. Today is my birthday.

Call me crazy, but the thing I most wanted to do today was get my desk cleared. I focused on it, and I was actually done, with a few breaks, by 11:00am. It made me feel so good all day. I'm not finished with all the tasks, but at least all the tasks have a place now. (I know, this sounds terribly compulsive, but it has really been bugging me, so it feels great to have it done.)

I did get to see a couple of friends at various points during the day, and my children and I made sushi for dinner. My parents called and left a singing message on my voice mail. I actually talked with them later.

However, the most remarkable thing that happened today is the outpouring of love and birthday wishes from friends around the world. I am so grateful for the people I love, and for the many people who care about me. I received cards in the mail, emails, e-cards, phone calls, text messages, and LOTS of birthday wishes on Facebook.

I reached a milestone a few days ago. I added my 500th Facebook friend. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to have 500 friends, but really, I have heard from so many today, it has blown me away.

So today, I celebrate you, the people I love so much, who care about me. I am grateful for each and every one of you, and for the many wonderful ways you touch my life. Thank you.

The Magic of Coit Tower

It always starts with my first glimpse of Coit Tower. It is that feeling that pervades me that magic really does happen here. San Francisco is a magical place.

Coit Tower always reminds me of my uncle, Jeff, who I visited in this wonderful city for a week several years ago. The first place we met up upon our arrival was at the Tower. The view of the city, the bay, the bridges were breathtaking. Jeff then proceeded to lead us down the hill, through people’s gardens, telling us about all the people he had known who lived there. We even saw wild parrots along the way. At that point in time, Jeff had lived in San Francisco over 25 years. He continued to fascinate me, with the insider’s view of this beautiful city, and stories and insight into my own family as well. I feel his spirit here still.

The fog keeps the area shrouded in mystery. It is so beautiful the way it flows over the hills, and then retreats, revealing patches of blue, which then disappear. It is like the mystery is revealed, but only briefly. Little glimpses of the city that sparkles.

When we arrived this week, we headed from the airport directly to the Ferry Terminal building. It was cloudy when we first arrived, and then the sun peeked out for a few moments, revealing Coit Tower atop Telegraph Hill in the distance.

Having a child along on a trip always reminds me to see the magic. Not that I need much of a reminder here. As she was skipping along the sidewalk, she said, “There are sparkles in the sidewalk! It is like it is filled with diamonds or something.” Diamonds indeed. Everywhere there are little gems I observed.

I got here, and was so completely flooded with things I wanted to write, that I was completely overwhelmed. At last my brain had an opportunity to think about something other than my daily to do’s. It actually took me until half way through this journey to be able to still my busy thoughts, and then let my mind flow.

I can’t let myself get that overwhelmed by my life that I forget to observe, and to allow time to record my observances. I must find a way to carve out some time to process things. To linger and enjoy experiences instead of rushing from thing to thing, always rushing. To allow myself to be. To just be.

We are staying in a beautiful house on Tomales Bay. A moving blanket of fog usually tops the green hills across the water. The bay is alive, with different water birds about at all hours. The water can be smooth as glass or choppy as the wind increases. Gorgeous flowers bloom all around. Wild fennel abounds with its yellow lace on thin pale stalks. Hummingbirds hover over red blooms near the deck. Succulents abound on this, the dry side of the bay. There are wild artichokes. There are gray foxes plentiful in the woods ad tall grasses, peeking out and darting along.

Yesterday, I managed a 3-mile hike in my boot. (A week before our departure, I injured my foot somehow. I managed to partially tear a tendon. I have a walking boot thing, which is great, and a cane, which I quickly abandoned.) We hiked around Abbott’s Lagoon, out to the tidal pools of the Pacific. There were few other people on the trail. It was so unspoiled that we could see the paths where deer had walked through the brush, and found a place to lie down. We saw rabbits, and many different birds, hawks, jays, pelicans, quail.

We found a sunny beach, and settled to relax and soak up the sun before the fog eclipsed it again. We had a picnic, with perfect eggs, chicken salad, fresh tomatoes and mozzarella…

The fresh food here is amazing. We had artichokes for dinner last night, with delicious olive oil and lemon. We have dined at The Slanted Door in San Francisco, Chez Panisse in Berkeley, and eaten peaches, dripping with juice over the sink in our kitchen. The markets have such gorgeous local delicious things to eat. With all the fresh fruits, vegetables, fish, eggs, local cheeses and breads…it is food heaven.

A few nights ago, on our way back from a day trip to Berkeley, there was a deer standing right in front of us, at the side of the road, just after the comment, “I haven’t seen a single deer crossing sign.” There she was, a beautiful deer, staring right at us. I said, “I haven’t seen any bear crossing signs either.” Somehow, I don’t think it works like that, Lisa, was the quip returned. Well, this place is magic, and maybe it does. The trip isn’t over yet, and I will find my bear. After all, Coit Tower is somewhere out there on a hill in the distance, occasionally peeking through the fog.

The Other Mother

On this Mother's Day, I have been thinking of the mother I have become. I think of the person who grew from who I was, into who I am now, and the lessons my children have taught me. I also think of my own mother, and her profound influence on my life, in good times and in not so good times. I wonder what it is like to have a daughter who is a mother. I hope to know someday. My daughter is only seven years old, so I hope it isn't for a while, but I hope to have that experience.

My children have tried to appreciate me today by not arguing or complaining. It has been awesome. I have loved the tranquility. The few spats have quickly diffused. All four of them have done precious and wonderful things on their own for me.

However, on Mother's Day especially, I think of another mother. My daughter Daisy is from China. She was adopted when she was 18 months old. I wonder what her birth mother thinks? I wonder if she thinks about Daisy daily. I wonder how she could endure the terrible pain of being forced to give up her newborn baby. Often the abandonment of baby girls is forced by the father, or the father's family. The population control policies in China have influenced the practice of abandoning baby girls, and special needs children. Often, the abandoned babies are not first children. So, not only does Daisy have a birth mother in China, it is likely she has an older sister as well. She will not be able to track her family of origin because leaving her was a crime, so they will never be identified. It is a tragedy to lose a child. It is also a tragedy to lose a mother. I imagine the grief lasts forever.

But, I also hope that somewhere in her heart, Daisy's other mother, and the other mothers of all the children who are given up for adoption know that their babies are loved and cherished; and adoptive mothers are so grateful to those with the courage to part with their babies, creating other families. I hope that they feel the gratitude and the love we have for them, and the children they have allowed us to mother.

So, mothers, give your babies a hug. Children, give your mothers a hug. Appreciate that bond that never will go away. Even if our mothers (and babies) are not physically present, the bond is forever. Happy Mother's Day.

For Mothers

I've had little time to write lately. I've been very busy being a mother. So, when a friend sent me this link today, I took a moment to appreciate myself, my mother, and all my friends and their mothers. This is from author Kelly Corrigan I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did. Happy Mother's Day. Click here (it is the May 2 video post)

Being Brave

My friend Katherine Center's new book comes out today. It is called Get Lucky. I know a little of her story, her education, her struggles to be "a writer of important literature," and her bravery to decide to write what was in her all along. Bravery is trusting yourself. Bravery is trusting your strength. Bravery is trusting your support system. Bravery is being willing to take a risk, and knowing that no matter what happens, you are somehow a slightly different version of you because you tried.

Katherine is the one responsible for me actually writing this blog (as opposed to talking about wanting to write.) I've talked about writing forever, but writers all have one thing in common, as I may have mentioned....they write. You have to try. You have to trust. You have to be willing to take that risk.

Today you are my hero, Katherine. I'm glad you were brave with your life. Thanks for inspiring me to be brave with mine.

Decide....and GO

Last night, my son and his youth group lead the Friday evening service at our synagogue. I was, of course a proud mama. I was also feeling very rewarded as a teacher, seeing many of my former students use some of the skills I helped them cultivate with regard to speaking in public. However, none of this is what is sticking in my mind today.

One of my former students delivered a short speech, a sermon of sorts. The theme of the evening was "The Ten Plagues of Today" since we are currently celebrating the Jewish holiday of Passover, and the retelling of the Exodus story of the People of Israel from Ancient Egypt. Her topic was "The Plague of Indecision."

Life presents many forks in the road, so to speak. Times we much make a choice, or a decision to go one way or another. We can agonize over every detail. I know I do. We can over analyze, waver back and forth, and sometimes not decide. I know when I was younger I used to flip a coin. I knew that I had made a choice even when I didn't think I had, because if the winning side of the coin either was a relief, or a disappointment. Then, I went with the decision I had already made.

I remember the absolute agony when I was going through the process of my divorce. SO, not what you are thinking right now. The agony was over if I should go back to my maiden name, or keep my married name. I had my married name over 17 years. It was one of those decisions that just ate me up. I remember ranting to my sister-in-law, because I had been told by my attorney that I needed to decide in the next hour (after weeks of struggling with this.) Finally, my sister-in-law interrupted me and said, "Stop. Do you feel like Lisa Serebrin, or do you feel like Lisa Brooks?" Well, honestly, my response to that question was so simple. "I'm Lisa Brooks." Decision made. Huge relief. Plague lifted.

Another very important thing that I have learned is that there are very few decisions we make in life that are not able to be changed. It is ok to change your mind, change your focus, or change your goal. If something is not working, recognizing that, and then making a decision to change is a key to success, to opening the doors to new opportunities.

Resolution, decision, conviction and then moving forward is such an empowering feeling. I often meditate on the word clarity. If I can clear the "noise" from my mind, I often find that clarity that I need to make a decision is already there. All I have to do is open the door and walk through.

My New Yorker Cartoon Life

Sometimes, I wake up and I think, “How did I get here?” It still amazes me that this is how my life has unfolded. If you had asked me as a new college graduate, almost 25 years ago, “Lisa, what are your life goals?” my response would have been, “To raise a successful family.”

So, I guess my overall goal hasn’t changed, but my mental picture of how it would all unfold was not at all what reality presented. I suppose the young idealistic me saw the family, the loving couple, the home, the smart, happy, beautiful children, the ability to do volunteer work, and spend my time making the world a better place, and being the best wife and mother I could possibly ever be.

When I actually write it all down, the only thing that has truly changed is the loving couple part. I was asked a couple of times in the last week for some advise or encouraging words about being on the other side of divorce. I guess this is my response. Am I happy? YES! Am I glad that I am a single mother? NO! Is it (ever) easy? HELL NO! Is it different from being married? YES!

How is my life now different? Well, it is much less stressful in a lot of ways. My ex-husband still manages to do things that make me react with stress, but on the whole, it is les stressful than it was the last couple of years of our marriage. A lot of my married life was good, but I have realized that the things that are really important to me haven’t changed.

What else has changed? Well, I am currently working two jobs. The third job mercifully ended because I am dealing with at least two major chronic illnesses, and three jobs was not smart, except from a financial standpoint. My health suffered, and my family suffered. I am working, however, on developing a writing career, so I am working another job, but it is different.

The other thing that causes stress that was not a source of stress before is time management. Since I am doing the two jobs, the career development, the health management job (huge task) and I am not driving at all any more (health again) the logistics of how to fit it all in, and have the time and energy for my most important job of being a good mother, I find that I am always juggling, and stamping out fires.

It is quite a visual. I can practically see a New Yorker cartoon of me… A petite middle-aged woman, Juggling two teenagers, two younger children, talking on the phone booking a client, with papers strewn about working on a lesson plan, and “fires” like house repairs, court appearances, scholarship applications, planning a bar mitzvah, etc. are flaring around my feet. The tiny petite figure has a flurry of activity where her legs should be, trying to deal with the fires. I’m actually laughing as I write my cartoon with words. It is comical, but it is real. And, then there is the whole health thing…

A friend recently told me I was the graceful duck, gliding across the water, but underneath the surface, my feet were going a million miles a minute to keep me afloat. YES.

I am afraid that this is coming across as pathetic, but that is not at all how I see my life. I am happy. I love my life. I have learned that I am one of the strongest people I know. I have learned to ask for help. Some. I have learned that most of what I envisioned as a new college graduate is still the same. I am still raising a family, four happy, smart, beautiful children. I am a good mother, even though I wish I could dedicate more of my time to just being supermom. I still live in a beautiful home. I still do volunteer work. I still have the same goal of making the world a better place.

The happy loving couple part will have to wait. I can’t see how to draw that into my cartoon. Yet.