Light and New

I began this new morning of the new year the way I have for the last 4 years or so, with a walking meditation at a labyrinth near my home. Each year it is a completely different experience from any before. Today was no different. Walking a labyrinth is a journey that can reveal much, if you open your eyes and ears, and observe.

The weather of late has matched my demeanor. This has been a tough few months, health, loss of 2 dear friends, drama in many different parts of my life, and me turning inward and feeling stuck. It has been either very cold, or warm and muggy, cloudy, and decidedly not spectacular. Today, though, I woke to see the clouds blowing away, and the sparkling blue and bright sun peaking through.

It was quiet at the labyrinth. Much more so than usual. My friend Sheron and I were the only people there for the whole hour. The sounds were the fountains and the wind. And the quiet serenity. It was warming and the sun was bright, the air clear and clean. As I began my walk, I realized that my jeans legs were too long and were dragging. It was bothering me. I stopped, rolled them up and continued. The first thought--I can remove any obstacles that are in the way of my forward movement. Wow, that was in the first few steps! Then, I realized that for a few moments, Sheron and I were walking along side by side, on different parts of the path. Sometimes, I will have a friend or companion, and sometimes I will be alone. Both ways, I can keep moving forward. Wow again.

I slowly made my way to the middle, and in my journey, I felt myself calming, releasing, and focusing. One word kept coming to me, purpose. Purpose. I know that is the word I must focus on this year, because when I was thinking about anything, the word purpose kept relating to all my thoughts.

Once in the middle of the labyrinth, I stopped to stand for a moment. In each of the petals in the middle, I focused on one specific thing that is important to me...Family, Health, Focus and Intention, Happiness and Joy, Prosperity and Success, Peace and Serenity. Then, I stepped back to the middle, and the word that was so pervasive at that moment was Love. I felt love. I felt clear, unblocked, and light.

On my journey along the path out from the center, I felt my strength and focus, and optimism returning like a flood, blowing back to me on the breeze. The labyrinth was surrounded by beautiful roses. I stopped to smell them, and during the year to come, I plan to do a lot more of that sort of thing...stop to notice the beauty that is always around me.

I changed the signature line on my email after several years. Now it is a Mother Teresa quote, "Peace begins with a smile." Peace in the world, and peace within. Peace in 2011.

Pas De Deux

This weekend we went to see The Nutcracker at the Houston Ballet. I love the ballet. As art goes, and I love art, ballet has to be my favorite. At this moment. I've probably seen the Houston Ballet Nutcracker a dozen or so times. Now, though, I not only enjoy it, I have the perspective to enjoy others enjoying the performance.

The lobby was full of families at the Saturday matinee we attended. The little children, all dressed up in their fancy holiday clothes, the matching dresses, the shiny and sparkly shoes, the brushed hair and smiling excited faces created a happy swirling pool of activity. I could have stood in a corner for hours observing.

My nephew, aged 2, was sitting in the row in front of me. He is all activity, all the time, 100% boy in motion. He sat, mesmerized, for the entire performance, absolutely still, leaning forward in his chair. At intermission his only complaint was, "I want more dancing now!" My own children, and my niece were enthralled as well, even though all of them have seen it before.

There was a little girl sitting behind me, Katherine, and she absolutely delighted me throughout the performance. Her comments and expression were priceless. When the Arabian Dancers came on stage in the second act, she gasped, and said, "Ah! What's that?! That is beautiful!" As she watched their piece, she said, almost under her breath, "Oh, it's so pretty!" It actually brought tears to my eyes. Indeed it was a highlight of the performance.

Ballet for me is like beautiful kinetic sculpture. We were sitting close enough to see every muscle in the legs of the dancers. Their legs are beautiful, controlled, strong, while their upper bodies are floating. I think about the amount of work that goes into being a dancer, performing in one of the nations best companies. I think the preparation required is more than how people prepare to make any other kind of art. The dedication, the discipline, the work from childhood that only gets more intense. I admire the dancers who have the ability to accomplish their goal of being the beauty we get to enjoy.

The costumes were beautiful, the lighting enhanced the performance, the musical score by Tchaikovsky is delightful. However, the pas de deux, is my favorite. Watching the two dancers flow across the stage, grace and quiet but spectacular movement, the costumes, the care and control of the male dancer, the trust of the female dancer all make this particular aspect of ballet the ultimate for me. My heart leaps into my throat, and stays there for the whole piece. The dancers become the only thing in my universe for those few moments. But it was even better this time. As the Sugar Plum Fairy floated on to the stage for the grand pas de deux, Katherine gasped, "Ah! Who's that Pretty in Pink?!"

Feeling the Love

Today I did nothing in particular, which was very special. It was a whole day and evening, with hardly any specific plans. I, in fact, really tried hard to keep today more simple than most of the rest of my days. Having an unscheduled day was my gift to myself. Today is my birthday.

Call me crazy, but the thing I most wanted to do today was get my desk cleared. I focused on it, and I was actually done, with a few breaks, by 11:00am. It made me feel so good all day. I'm not finished with all the tasks, but at least all the tasks have a place now. (I know, this sounds terribly compulsive, but it has really been bugging me, so it feels great to have it done.)

I did get to see a couple of friends at various points during the day, and my children and I made sushi for dinner. My parents called and left a singing message on my voice mail. I actually talked with them later.

However, the most remarkable thing that happened today is the outpouring of love and birthday wishes from friends around the world. I am so grateful for the people I love, and for the many people who care about me. I received cards in the mail, emails, e-cards, phone calls, text messages, and LOTS of birthday wishes on Facebook.

I reached a milestone a few days ago. I added my 500th Facebook friend. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to have 500 friends, but really, I have heard from so many today, it has blown me away.

So today, I celebrate you, the people I love so much, who care about me. I am grateful for each and every one of you, and for the many wonderful ways you touch my life. Thank you.

The Magic of Coit Tower

It always starts with my first glimpse of Coit Tower. It is that feeling that pervades me that magic really does happen here. San Francisco is a magical place.

Coit Tower always reminds me of my uncle, Jeff, who I visited in this wonderful city for a week several years ago. The first place we met up upon our arrival was at the Tower. The view of the city, the bay, the bridges were breathtaking. Jeff then proceeded to lead us down the hill, through people’s gardens, telling us about all the people he had known who lived there. We even saw wild parrots along the way. At that point in time, Jeff had lived in San Francisco over 25 years. He continued to fascinate me, with the insider’s view of this beautiful city, and stories and insight into my own family as well. I feel his spirit here still.

The fog keeps the area shrouded in mystery. It is so beautiful the way it flows over the hills, and then retreats, revealing patches of blue, which then disappear. It is like the mystery is revealed, but only briefly. Little glimpses of the city that sparkles.

When we arrived this week, we headed from the airport directly to the Ferry Terminal building. It was cloudy when we first arrived, and then the sun peeked out for a few moments, revealing Coit Tower atop Telegraph Hill in the distance.

Having a child along on a trip always reminds me to see the magic. Not that I need much of a reminder here. As she was skipping along the sidewalk, she said, “There are sparkles in the sidewalk! It is like it is filled with diamonds or something.” Diamonds indeed. Everywhere there are little gems I observed.

I got here, and was so completely flooded with things I wanted to write, that I was completely overwhelmed. At last my brain had an opportunity to think about something other than my daily to do’s. It actually took me until half way through this journey to be able to still my busy thoughts, and then let my mind flow.

I can’t let myself get that overwhelmed by my life that I forget to observe, and to allow time to record my observances. I must find a way to carve out some time to process things. To linger and enjoy experiences instead of rushing from thing to thing, always rushing. To allow myself to be. To just be.

We are staying in a beautiful house on Tomales Bay. A moving blanket of fog usually tops the green hills across the water. The bay is alive, with different water birds about at all hours. The water can be smooth as glass or choppy as the wind increases. Gorgeous flowers bloom all around. Wild fennel abounds with its yellow lace on thin pale stalks. Hummingbirds hover over red blooms near the deck. Succulents abound on this, the dry side of the bay. There are wild artichokes. There are gray foxes plentiful in the woods ad tall grasses, peeking out and darting along.

Yesterday, I managed a 3-mile hike in my boot. (A week before our departure, I injured my foot somehow. I managed to partially tear a tendon. I have a walking boot thing, which is great, and a cane, which I quickly abandoned.) We hiked around Abbott’s Lagoon, out to the tidal pools of the Pacific. There were few other people on the trail. It was so unspoiled that we could see the paths where deer had walked through the brush, and found a place to lie down. We saw rabbits, and many different birds, hawks, jays, pelicans, quail.

We found a sunny beach, and settled to relax and soak up the sun before the fog eclipsed it again. We had a picnic, with perfect eggs, chicken salad, fresh tomatoes and mozzarella…

The fresh food here is amazing. We had artichokes for dinner last night, with delicious olive oil and lemon. We have dined at The Slanted Door in San Francisco, Chez Panisse in Berkeley, and eaten peaches, dripping with juice over the sink in our kitchen. The markets have such gorgeous local delicious things to eat. With all the fresh fruits, vegetables, fish, eggs, local cheeses and breads…it is food heaven.

A few nights ago, on our way back from a day trip to Berkeley, there was a deer standing right in front of us, at the side of the road, just after the comment, “I haven’t seen a single deer crossing sign.” There she was, a beautiful deer, staring right at us. I said, “I haven’t seen any bear crossing signs either.” Somehow, I don’t think it works like that, Lisa, was the quip returned. Well, this place is magic, and maybe it does. The trip isn’t over yet, and I will find my bear. After all, Coit Tower is somewhere out there on a hill in the distance, occasionally peeking through the fog.

The Other Mother

On this Mother's Day, I have been thinking of the mother I have become. I think of the person who grew from who I was, into who I am now, and the lessons my children have taught me. I also think of my own mother, and her profound influence on my life, in good times and in not so good times. I wonder what it is like to have a daughter who is a mother. I hope to know someday. My daughter is only seven years old, so I hope it isn't for a while, but I hope to have that experience.

My children have tried to appreciate me today by not arguing or complaining. It has been awesome. I have loved the tranquility. The few spats have quickly diffused. All four of them have done precious and wonderful things on their own for me.

However, on Mother's Day especially, I think of another mother. My daughter Daisy is from China. She was adopted when she was 18 months old. I wonder what her birth mother thinks? I wonder if she thinks about Daisy daily. I wonder how she could endure the terrible pain of being forced to give up her newborn baby. Often the abandonment of baby girls is forced by the father, or the father's family. The population control policies in China have influenced the practice of abandoning baby girls, and special needs children. Often, the abandoned babies are not first children. So, not only does Daisy have a birth mother in China, it is likely she has an older sister as well. She will not be able to track her family of origin because leaving her was a crime, so they will never be identified. It is a tragedy to lose a child. It is also a tragedy to lose a mother. I imagine the grief lasts forever.

But, I also hope that somewhere in her heart, Daisy's other mother, and the other mothers of all the children who are given up for adoption know that their babies are loved and cherished; and adoptive mothers are so grateful to those with the courage to part with their babies, creating other families. I hope that they feel the gratitude and the love we have for them, and the children they have allowed us to mother.

So, mothers, give your babies a hug. Children, give your mothers a hug. Appreciate that bond that never will go away. Even if our mothers (and babies) are not physically present, the bond is forever. Happy Mother's Day.

For Mothers

I've had little time to write lately. I've been very busy being a mother. So, when a friend sent me this link today, I took a moment to appreciate myself, my mother, and all my friends and their mothers. This is from author Kelly Corrigan I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did. Happy Mother's Day. Click here (it is the May 2 video post)

Being Brave

My friend Katherine Center's new book comes out today. It is called Get Lucky. I know a little of her story, her education, her struggles to be "a writer of important literature," and her bravery to decide to write what was in her all along. Bravery is trusting yourself. Bravery is trusting your strength. Bravery is trusting your support system. Bravery is being willing to take a risk, and knowing that no matter what happens, you are somehow a slightly different version of you because you tried.

Katherine is the one responsible for me actually writing this blog (as opposed to talking about wanting to write.) I've talked about writing forever, but writers all have one thing in common, as I may have mentioned....they write. You have to try. You have to trust. You have to be willing to take that risk.

Today you are my hero, Katherine. I'm glad you were brave with your life. Thanks for inspiring me to be brave with mine.