Transparency and Walls

Metaphors were the name of the game today. I went to the hear El Anatsui, an artist, talk about his installation, Gli (wall) at the Rice Gallery at a lunchtime gallery talk. I went with a friend and her son. The work was incredible. It was a beautiful, colorful mesh of metal, made from the tops of liquor bottles. His walls were moving with breeze, and were transparent, and lovely. It was a warm feeling that was created by the work, and the people you could see walking throughout the gallery admiring it. In a statement about the work, Anatsui said, "I think that walls are human constructs that are meant to block views, but they block only the view of the eye...not the imaginative view."

I was enjoying standing there, enjoying the art, enjoying being out doing something fun. There have been so many health related changes in my life, it is sometimes hard to keep up. I feel like the stuff I have enjoyed in the past, I haven't done quite as often. I spend a lot of time dealing with doctors, insurance companies, red tape. I spend a lot of time being more tired than I would like. However, today's art made me think about all this stuff in a bit of a different way.

Most people have had the feeling of being blocked by an obstacle in their path, as we go through life. I am feeling like sometimes lately, rather than a stumbling block, that the obstacle is a wall. I can't see what is on the other side. However, being in the gallery today, and seeing these walls, shifted my thinking to a different perspective. I am working now on visualizing what life looks like on the other side of the wall...and keeping the images of the beautiful transparent walls in mind. When the Berlin wall came down, it was a time of joy, and reuniting--healing what had been broken. The Western Wall in Jerusalem is a wall of prayer and faith, and it symbolizes survival. I can now see that the wall currently staring me in the face in my life is a temporary obstacle, and I will get around it, over it, or plow right through to the other side...to embrace what I can see in my mind's eye.

Release

I have had the opportunity recently to practice what I preach, so to speak. I am always suggesting to my children to try to understand another person's point of view, and to also know that you don't ever know a person's back story. You don't know what has happened in a person's experience to shape them as a person, or even to influence their actions at a certain point in time.

Yesterday, I was the recipient of a venomous attack by a very close relative. It was intended to be hurtful, and it was. I won't say that it came out of nowhere, because it seemed like it almost always smolders under the surface of his dealings with me. I know that I did not deserve to be attacked like I was, but it still was very hurtful. My initial reaction was shock, then hurt, then anger, then came sadness. I am happy to say that there was no guilty feeling, which is a big improvement from the way I have perceived things in the past.

I walked around feeling so angry for a large part of the day. Anger always leaves me feeling a little bewildered. I do question myself (without guilt) honestly to see if I did anything leading up to this attack which warranted it. Actually, nothing warrants this sort of behavior, but not everyone feels that way. I was cogitating on how to respond, or if to respond. Finally, I decided to respond.

My response was very much from the heart. I explained my perspective, calmly and rationally. I also explained that the only really important thing to me was to spend time with people I love, and those people included the attacker and his family. I also said that I didn't really understand where his anger was coming from, but that I didn't deserve to bear the brunt of it. I know he must be very angry, or hurt, or frightened, or jealous about something, or there is something going on in his life that I don't know about or understand that might cause him to act in such a way. I also know that I can't change what he perceives. I do know though, that I can change how I react.

So, I chose to react and respond honestly and as gracefully as possible. I am sure it won't change his actions, but hopefully he can come to understand that there is no intention of malice on my part. I felt so much better after my response. My anger fizzled into nothing. I am not feeling hurt, because I have chosen not to take his attack personally. I am still sad that he has chosen to remove himself and his family from a gathering we had planned, and maybe from my life entirely for right now, but I also know that I will enjoy the family who does participate in the gathering. The release of my anger and hurt, and the change in my perspective--the view from where I sit, is what makes the difference.

No one can control the actions of another, but we can all control, albeit with some practice, how we react. So, here's to healthy perspectives on family (and other) relationships.

Focus

Last Sunday, a group of local alumni from my college took a pot-luck dinner to a group of students and staff who had come down from Pennsylvania on their winter break to do some recovery work from Hurricane Ike. It has been 16 months since the storm and there is still plenty of work to be done. It was a fun evening, hearing stories, meeting students, and sharing our experiences in college, and memories from our own hurricane experiences.

Monday I went to my liver doctor for a follow up, during which the "transplant" word was discussed, and then got a call from my neurologist, who told me he had "interesting news." Interesting is not usually a good thing with my health. This was the beginning of a VERY intense week in the health saga. I saw a lot of doctors, had a lot of tests, and there is more fun yet to come. Sometimes things get so intense it is hard to know which crisis deserves to be front and center in my focus.

Tuesday a catastrophic earthquake hit in Haiti. My focus immediately shifted away from my own nonsense. Hundreds of thousands of people could be dead or die as a result of this horrific event. So, instantly nothing in my life seems bad at all, because there are these thousands of people experiencing unimaginable horrors in a very acute situation.Haiti is in crisis mode, but even after the initial intensity passes, the lives of these people have changed forever. The road back to "normal" will not be an easy straight path, but a winding and rocky one. Even if the people are not themselves injured, they have lost their homes, family members, friends, livelihood, truly, lost their lives as they have know them. Things will never be the same.

In Galveston, Hurricane Ike left physical destruction that can be measured, and assessed, and repaired, but there is also an emotional toll that can't be quantified. The fact that the Catastrophic Relief Alliance from Franklin and Marshall College, last week, were doing framing and dry wall on a hurricane damaged house 16 months later speaks to how long the physical recovery takes. What about the psychological repairs?

Everyone is mobilizing to provide immediate aid to Haiti to deal with the acute needs for food, medicine, water are being addressed by an international community. However, there will be a need for a long time to come.

A friend posted this on her Facebook status this week: (Thanks, Sara!)
"Taking the time to help others...helps to take the focus off of personal circumstances and redirects that focus in a more positive way..."

In thinking about ways to help the people in Haiti, while being reminded that there are still people in my own back yard in Galveston, Texas who need help, and that there are willing and generous volunteers to provide help and support has completely shifted my focus from my own health saga to how can I help others get through these very difficult times.

Interestingly enough, there may be a way that the group from my college does some fund raising to send aid to Haiti, and I may be able to help them with a coordinated effort here. So, yes, I have been distracted and busy this week, but not because of my medical needs. Instead I am focusing on how I can help others, even while I rely on others to help me in some ways.

I have also been awe-struck this week at the willingness of people to jump in and help me with driving, medical appointments...my mom even came in from Austin to help for a day. I have such great support, and I am always so grateful for this. I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

Warm Cookies on a Cold Night

Here I am, in my house, where it smells fantastic because I just baked cookies. It is cold outside. Very cold for Houston, TX, with lows tonight in the 20's and the next two nights forecast in the teens. I needed to warm things up a bit, both because it was cold outside, and because it was a heck of a crazy day.

Today started with taking one of my sons to his therapy appointment. I had to discuss the latest saga in the chapter of the-father-of-my-children with the therapist to prepare for what could come up in conversation. The outcome? All this particular child seems to want is to learn to play the electric guitar. Ah, to be nine years old, and still in the age of innocence, at least in his case. The electric guitar is very do-able.

Second on the agenda was a surprise visit to a neurologist for me. I have been having trouble with my eyes, specifically my eye muscles, as well as some other muscle issues. When I tried to get an appointment, I was told the next available one was in April, a mere 4 months from now. I have a good friend who made some calls and I ended up in the office of this fabulous doctor this morning. So, what is going on? We have a couple of working theories. Myasthenia gravis
is one theory. Multiple Sclerosis is another. MS like syndrome caused by one of my other medications? Maybe. So, they took a bunch of blood, and set me up to have an MRI tomorrow. We shall see. Actually, I just really want to be able to see well again. I miss reading! I have fortunately figured out how to enlarge the font on my computer so I can read what I type, emails, and facebook just fine. I miss books, though.

Next was a conversation as a follow up on the ex-husband issues. Talking seems to almost always give me clarity, and having a wonderful person to listen and help me sort things out is a gift. I feel much more confident in my resolve after this conversation.

Then, I had to go to an appointment with a social worker who may have some help for me to navigate the social security disability system if the need arises. It was a good appointment, and I was very grateful for the suggestions she had.

So, I got home, went out to get kids, drop off kids, get kids, go to the library (not for myself) and give my 16 year old some driving practice. Dinner, homework, emails, phone calls....nothing like life to keep me from focusing on myself too much.


It is cold. I know I mentioned that already. Not that I need an excuse to turn on my oven, it is just more fun if something is cooking in it. I decided to make some smashed coconut macaroons with nutella sandwich cookies. My children and I enjoyed the process, the smell of good things baking, and the delicious product. Yum. Can someone please pass the hot chocolate?

Twenty Ten

On the first morning of the new year, I have a tradition of meeting a few friends to walk the labyrinth at The University of St. Thomas, near my house, and begin the year with a meditative quiet moment, to help me focus. I love this labyrinth because it is beautiful, and peaceful, and it is surrounded by rose bushes. I think this works very well for me, because just 10 days or so before, I spent some time on the winter solstice thinking about my goals for the coming months. I have had some time to ruminate on my thoughts, and this tradition helps me move forward on a clear path into the future.

In the past, the labyrinth has always represented a path, the path of my life, and my focus has been to just stay on my path, no matter how it twists and turns--there have been a lot of twists and turns--as long as I stay on the path, I will find my way to the goal. It has worked. I have navigated some incredible things in the last few years, and managed to get through the challenges, still on course.

However, this year, I noticed something different. I have walked this particular labyrinth many times, not just on new year's day, and never been so struck by the fountains. There are 3 fountains at one end of the labyrinth, and they shoot up, and return, sort of cycling through, and returning to reuse the same water. It is like turning and returning, as in the labyrinth walk itself. The fountains were the most significant thing, throughout the 30 minutes or so of walking. I heard the water, rushing, flowing, turning, returning. I watched the water. I smiled, because I have felt much more like my life is going with the flow lately, than staying on the path. This metaphor found a way to appear in my clear consciousness this morning.

I also was aware, during the walk, of passing other people who were also enjoying the labyrinth on this beautiful, clear, cold, sunny morning. It was a reminder that I don't walk alone. The smile or nod of a stranger, the hand of a friend, are always there, and will reach out to me, if I am willing to look up.

After walking we talked for a short time. The fountains were striking, not only to me this year. There are 3 fountains, and to the 5 of us the fountains symbolized: "I am, I can, I will" "Past, Present, Future" "Body, Mind, Spirit" "Faith, Hope, Love" among others. Then, because we were all freezing, we headed off to have coffee, and get warm.

So when people ask me how I started this decade, I will say, walking a path, listening to water flowing with friends, on a beautiful peaceful morning, surrounded by roses.

Food Vignette

I must take a moment for a brief interlude and describe a meal that I had last night. I was dining at T'afia with friends to ring in the new year, or to ring out the old, depending on perspective. It was a damp and slightly drizzly cool-ish winter evening. I had already made one dinner for my children, sushi (a totally interactive food experience in my house) and chocolate fondue, which is a family tradition for the new year.

I was picked up by friends for a late dinner, and we arrived at the restaurant, which was full, warm, and festive. There was a 5 course menu. One of my friends and I decided to order different things and share, so we essentially would have 9 courses. All the starters were the same. Savory Parisian style macaroons--one that was black truffle with brie and greens with truffle oil on the side, and one that was sage with bosque bleu cheese and butternut squash. They were beautiful, delicate, and delicious. You could actually taste each component, in a tiny little savory cookie.

The second course was soup. We shared a butternut squash bisque, that had a lovely spice, perhaps cardamon and a cauliflower soup that was spicy, with a piece of cauliflower as a garnish that had a lovely drizzle of something on it. Course number three was a choice of several items. I chose buratta a la puglia, which is a soft home made mozzarella, with some olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and fresh herbs. My friend had spinach-ricotta gnudi with a brown sage butter. We shared again, and both were the type of dish that you just didn't want to end. I savored every morsel, eating slowly to enjoy it as much as possible.

The fourth course, I had scallops, perfectly seared, served with truffled potatoes and a blue cheese honey glaze. So delicious. I found myself cutting the scallops into very tiny pieces so I could enjoy more mouthfuls. My friend had spiced lamb chops, that were served with kale and radishes that were braised in a lovely sweet and sour sauce. Again, both were impeccably executed, and tastes to be savored.

Finally, the dessert courses we chose were a creme brulee with a chocolate ginger snap, and a berry tart, served with spiced pistachios and whipped cream. Mmmmm.

A few times, Chef Monica emerged momentarily from the kitchen, and each time had an intense look of concentration. There were several other menu options in addition to those we ate. I know that kitchen had to be a very busy place of fast pace and pumping adrenaline. The atmosphere in the dining room was relaxed, festive, and fun. There was a look of enjoyment and happiness on the faces of the lucky people who were there to celebrate.

The friends I joined were all new friends, made in 2009. There is no doubt in my mind that these new friendships were one of the big highlights of my year. It was a wonderful way to celebrate the end of the year, and the end of a decade. I was leaving behind intensity on many levels, and moving forward into a life with hopefully a lot more fun, relaxation, and cause for celebration.

Following dinner, we moved on to 13 Celsius. It was the third anniversary of the opening of this little gem of a wine bar. There were champagne toasts at midnight, hugs and kisses all around, and good wishes for all the best 2010 has to promise in its newest minutes. There was also birthday cake, again made by Chef Monica, so again, we ate, celebrated, and enjoyed.

When we finally departed to go home, the sky had cleared. It was windy and COLD, and there was a full moon shining above. It was a blue moon on New Year's Eve--a rare and special night.