Sometimes when it rains, it pours, and sometimes when it rains, it is a hurricane. Lately, it feels like a hurricane. A very big dramatic hurricane, or maybe two. The drama that has been in my life, well, for a long time would be enough to make anyone ask, "why me?" Believe me, I do ask that. But I really want to know. Why me? What is the message that I am supposed to be learning from all the blustering and storms in my life?
This week has been intense. Big drama with the ex husband. Drama with the mama. Drama, drama, drama. Today I have been in crisis management mode, and will continue in that mode tomorrow, but hopefully there will be some resolution soon. The mama drama is more or less resolved. The other drama, however, could last a while.
However, in putting out a plea for information to help me navigate the waters of the drama, I was flooded with support by friends. I am always amazed by the number of people who care about me, and I so appreciate each one who reaches out to me.
I do wonder, though, hasn't there been enough for me to learn what I'm supposed to without the added recent drama? Evidently not. I need to know something that I have yet to determine. Perhaps it is having more difficult experiences so that I can be more empathetic with others? Maybe I think I have it all sorted out but really I don't? Maybe it is just that stuff happens.
A friend once gave me a card that said something like "For your birthday I was going to give you a universal remote control. But, I knew you would be disappointed when you realized you could not use it to control the universe." I know now, that I am far from being in control of anything that happens outside of me, but I can control how I react. Usually. If I am in control of my reactions, I can choose to have a positive attitude. And I do.
The best news, though, is that hurricanes pass, the flood waters recede, and after picking up the debris, everything is clean, and fresh, and we have the opportunity to either resume or start over. Sometimes it takes a community to put things back together, but I have a community, and they will help as needed. So, once the storm has passed, the messy bits dealt with, and everything put back in order, I will persevere. The path will be clear for a time, and I will make the most of it.
Well, my deep descent began right about this time ten years ago. At one point, I remember telling people the light at the end of the tunnel felt like it was only a few atoms wide. It all took me by surprise. I thought that since I was smart, tried to be kind, worked hard, and focused on helping others that good stuff would happen to me. I thought things that didn't go well were because I had made bad decisions, so I worked really hard to be kind and make good decisions.
ReplyDeleteWhat the years of partners leaving, friends betraying me, jobs that disappeared or stressed me to the max, and financial horrors told me was that I am NOT in control. No matter how smart or nice I try to be or how hard I work, stuff can happen. I can't make people treat me the way I want to be treated. I can't stop illnesses in myself or my family. It happens.
Worse was how long it took me to figure out that this stuff wasn't punishment for being a "bad person, bad friend, bad spouse, bad worker, bad parent, etc." And it didn't mean that the people who "did stuff" to me were bad either. Things just happen. Sure, it helps to try to make good decisions and keep living my life according to my personal values (treat others as you would like to be treated). But that won't make life easy.
All I can control is how I react to things. I guess this is the same lesson you are learning, too. It sure took me a long time. And still, occasionally I fall back into the panic mode and cry out, "Why me?"
I still work for peace in my home, my community and the world, even though I know there are huge groups of people and corporations who do not share this agenda. I will still fight for religious tolerance and appreciation of the wonderful variety of cultures in the world, even with all the forces who think anything "other" should be squashed. That makes me feel good. That keeps me going.
And I expect crappy stuff will keep happening. But I have stopped punishing myself and blaming others. That has not helped.
Hmm, I'll go put this endless comment in my blog, so it will have content this month.